


Repentance

by Humbae



Category: Ylvis
Genre: AU: B has family - V has cats - both live in Oslo, Angst, Gen, dark themes, h/c, minor depictions of violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-21
Updated: 2014-03-26
Packaged: 2018-01-16 12:03:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1346764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Humbae/pseuds/Humbae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was an accident. Everyone said so. Bård said so. And if someone's word should count in the situation, it was Bård's.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was an accident. Everyone said so. Bård said so. And if someone's word should count in the situation, it was Bård's.

****

It was a normal night. Bård was home, spending the night with his family. There had been good food, home-made sweets and a movie that managed to entertain the entire family. A nice, quiet kind of evening. After their girls went to bed, Bård had been spending quality time with his partner, just the two of them. There may even have been some passion. They were interrupted by a ringing.

Vegard was out, partying with his friends. Vegard didn't go out drinking often, but since it was his friend's birthday, social protocol called for a bar crawl. As the evening progressed, Bård received a call from Vegard's phone, but it was one of his friends in the other end. The friend, Kristian, explained that Vegard had had a bit too much to drink and it would be best if Bård came to take him home. Bård didn't hesitate for a moment. He told Kristian to keep an eye on his brother until he got there and left.

Half an hour later, Bård was dragging Vegard to his car. The older brother was completely out of it. Kristian had told Bård that Vegard had tried to pick a fight with someone twice his size, thrown up in some woman's lap and flirted passionately with a chair. That was when they realised that the last round of shots may have been a bit too much. Erlend, the first one of them to turn thirty, had wanted to set an example on how to celebrate properly for Kristian and Vegard who would reach the milestone a couple of years after him. They had already been kicked out of one bar and were well on their way of getting banned from the second.

Kristian, who was in the best condition, had decided to be responsible and started sending his friends home. Erlend, the birthday boy, was able to give his address when asked, so Kristian put him in a taxi, mostly certain that he would make it home safely. But when he asked Vegard to recite his address, all he got in reply were sleepy giggles and a slurred plea to not feed bananas to penguins. Kristian had reached into Vegard's pocket, fished out his phone and called the number set as the in case of emergency person.

When walking Vegard to the car, Bård tried to ignore whatever nonsense his brother was so heatedly explaining. He was talking something about flying kittens and giggling like a lunatic. Bård kept a tight grip on him and guided his staggering steps towards the car.

Vegard kept up his monologue throughout the drive. Bård tried to ignore him, but the longer Vegard kept talking, the more agitated he became. Vegard wasn't making much sense but Bård was almost scared at the anger that was starting to come through. It sounded like Vegard was making heated accusations but his speech was so badly slurred at that point that Bård couldn't quite make it out. He did hear his own name mentioned and something about his life being better. Maybe Bård didn't really want to hear. He was sure Vegard wouldn't be saying any of the things he was trying to say were he less inebriated.

They were but one kilometre from Vegard's apartment when Vegard suddenly shoved Bård hard on the shoulder. Bård was unprepared for the move and jerked the steering wheel in reflex. They hit the car driving next to them.

*****

Vegard woke up in the hospital late on the following day. He had a mild concussion and a hellish hangover. His memories of the previous night were vague at best. He remembered screaming. He remembered being unable to move and hearing Bård howl in agony. Vegard had wanted to help his brother but he couldn't shake himself out of whatever stupor he was in. The rest was only fuzzy glimpses of colours and sounds.

They told him that there had been an accident and that Bård was injured. Vegard went to see his brother as soon as he was told where he was. Bård seemed worried but also strangely wary. It had taken some persuading, but finally Bård revealed what had happened that night and what Vegard had done.

The air seemed to escape from Vegard's lungs. He was directly responsible for the situation. He had nearly killed his brother. He had done something incredibly stupid, something incredibly hateful. Bård didn't say why Vegard had interfered with his driving but Vegard had ideas. He couldn't remember his logic that night but he knew it was no accident. The guilt was overwhelming.

Bård claimed that he was fine but he wasn't. Vegard sat by his bedside while his brother slept. The left side of the car had been properly crushed and everyone had feared that Bård could not survive such a crash. Some guardian angel had been protecting him though. Bård was bruised and battered, but by some miracle, his worst injury was a broken leg, now neatly treated and safe inside a cast.

Vegard escaped when their parents and Bård's partner had come to see his brother. Vegard had been discharged earlier but he had lingered with his brother. As Bård's room filled with people, Vegard slipped out unnoticed and left for home. His cats would be starving by then. That knowledge was the only thing that kept Vegard from throwing himself off the nearest bridge.

*****

A week passed. Bård had been released from the hospital and he was recuperating with his family. He claimed that he wasn't in any pain and that it was easy enough to move around with the crutches. Vegard didn't believe him. Bård had looked so pale in the hospital, so fragile, delicate and young. He was Vegard's to protect and Vegard had failed. He had one purpose in this life that was more important than anything else could ever be. And Vegard had failed. He had caused his brother suffering and misery. He had caused his brother to scream in pain. He had nearly killed him. Vegard didn't know how he could ever look Bård in the eyes again.

Vegard had been invited over to Bård's house several times since the accident. Bård wanted to talk to him but Vegard refused. They had spoken on the phone a couple of times. It hadn't taken long for Bård to understand how deeply Vegard was affected by the events. He tried to reassure his brother and ask him to just come over and talk, but the older brother shut everyone out and refused to meet him.

Another week passed. Bård was doing fine. He had gotten used to the crutches and the leg was slowly healing. He was extremely worried about his brother though. Vegard was wallowing in guilt and Bård couldn't understand why. Well, he sort of did, but then again, it wasn't like Vegard had maliciously tossed Bård off a cliff or something. It had been a genuine accident. At least Bård wanted to believe so, needed to believe so.

Bård might not fully understand, but he was aware. The first couple of weeks after the accident were the worst. At first, Bård had to admit that he had been too shaken up and focused on himself to realise that anything was wrong with his brother. The doctors had told him that Vegard hadn't been hurt and Bård had been immensely relieved at that. After all, he had been the one driving. He didn't think he could've lived with himself if something had happened to Vegard. And that potential guilt had been Bård's insight into how Vegard felt. Maybe doubly so since he was the older brother, the perpetual protector of his younger sibling.

Their parents had been to check up on Vegard since he refused to have contact with anyone. He had reluctantly opened the door only to stop their mother's incessant knocking. She had pushed her way in, followed by their father. She later reported to Bård that the place had been a mess and Vegard looked like he hadn't slept or showered in some time. She had told her son to pull himself together, thinking that a clear command might push him into action. It hadn't. Vegard had told them to get out and leave him be. She had considered arguing but her husband pulled her out, thinking Vegard needed to be left alone to work through whatever was eating him. They had argued for the entire drive home. There had been tears and arguments everywhere in the family.

*****

The turning point came three weeks after the accident. Bård never ceased trying to reach out to Vegard, to get him to talk, to just come over to see him face to face to understand that he was okay and that he wasn't blaming Vegard. And finally, Vegard agreed.

There was an awkwardness between them. Bård sensed it immediately as Vegard entered his house. He looked awful. Bård almost said something flippant like reprimanding Vegard for looking worse than he did when Bård had been the one to get injured, but he kept his mouth shut for once. And that was a distance between them that had never been there before. They were usually able to say anything and everything to each other, no matter how stupid or hurtful it might appear. They could read each other like open books, but now Vegard was completely closed off to Bård. And it hurt.

The brothers and Bård's partner sat down to have tea and cake. Bård wanted to tell Vegard that he had baked the cake himself, the very first one he ever tried and they could laugh together at the weird texture and the lumpy shape. But Vegard didn't want anything. He sat at the very edge of his seat, as if ready to bolt at any moment. Conversation was sparse. Bård's partner eventually stood up, gave Vegard a kiss on the cheek and left the brothers alone.

Bård thought that that would be when they could really open up to each other and get the whole situation sorted. But no. Vegard stared at his tea cup and only grunted in reply to whatever Bård said. He didn't stay for long. Vegard made some lame excuse and left. Bård could only look at the closed door with a feeling of loss and confusion.

*****

Big Boy Vidar remembered the short man with the luxurious dark curly hair. He and his brother had visited him earlier in the year, filming their television program. When Vegard Ylvisåker stepped through his door and asked for a favour, he was very surprised. Vidar considered himself a very good judge of character. He had to be, in both lines of his work. As such, he could see that the young man was upset and distressed. Possibly even beyond that: there was a darkness in his eyes that Vidar recognised. However, when Vegard first made his request, Vidar refused. He felt that it was a hasty decision on Vegard's part and a one he would regret later.

But Vegard came back a few days later. Vidar could see that he had reached the end of his tether. The young man had to either break free of whatever was tying him down or strangle in it. Vidar had had darker moments in his life and the desperation was familiar. He remembered how he had yearned for someone to throw him a lifeline, anything to cling to. So he agreed, but only with very strict rules.

Vegard wanted to be punished. He didn't say what he had done, but he wanted to feel pain equal to his transgression. Vidar enjoyed the occasional S&M but Vegard's request had nothing to do with sexual pleasure. He wanted to repent through suffering. Vidar was hesitant since he didn't hurt others unless it gave them kicks, but he was also afraid what the young man would do if he refused. Vidar had enough experience to know how to cause pain without any undue damage. He would also be in control at all times. When he said it was enough, it would be enough. If Vegard said stop, Vidar would stop. And Vegard would promise not to give himself any punishment outside Vidar's establishment. He would go to no one else and he would follow any directions Vidar gave him. An agreement was reached.

Vegard came in the evenings when the hair salon was closed. They would go to the basement and Vegard would take his shirt off. He put his hands against a wall and exposed his back. Vidar chose the tool for the evening. He changed between different types of whips. Vegard always wanted the wicked nine-tailed one but Vidar only used it on every second visit. The brutal instrument would break the skin if used too often and Vidar was trying to avoid open wounds.

They would occasionally happen, however. As much as Vidar tried to utilise technique over brute strength, the human skin simply wasn't designed to withstand such abuse as frequently as Vegard wanted it. Those were the times when Vidar had to remind Vegard about their agreement. He called a stop to the evening, put disinfectant on Vegard's wounds and bound them. He firmly told the young man to take a few days off, let the skin heal.

*****

Vegard would never stay away for long. He would come begging for another session, even with unhealed wounds. Three weeks after the accident that Vidar knew nothing about, Vegard appeared again one night, only two days after Vidar had told him to have a break to let the skin heal. Vidar wanted to refuse and remind him about the agreement, but he could see that Vegard was in a bad way. Something had clearly happened that day to make him even worse than usual. And he wanted something worse.

Vidar judged the situation fast. If he refused the request, he instinctively knew that Vegard would seek the punishment he needed elsewhere. So he said yes and suggested something new. Vidar had done it before to maximise pleasure in a slightly dangerous manner when giving a hand job or a blow job. He even had the noose set up already, he just needed to take it down and put it around Vegard's slender neck.

“Just say stop if you don't want to do this,” Vidar reminded. Vegard said nothing. He never said much.

Vidar sighed deep and pulled the noose tight. Vegard gave a jerk as his body automatically reacted to the restricting material around his neck. Vidar left it tight for a couple of seconds only. He then loosened the noose and listened to Vegard pant.

“Longer,” Vegard demanded.

“No.”

“The average human can hold breath for four minutes without any harm.”

Vidar considered it. He finally conceded to one full minute. Vegard nodded and Vidar pulled the noose tight. The young man stayed calm at first. Vidar was glancing at his watch frequently. At around forty seconds Vegard started getting restless. Vidar saw him try to breathe in but he kept the noose tight as there had been no signal to loosen it. Seconds seemed to tick by slowly.

One minute was up and Vidar released Vegard. The young man doubled over, gasping for air. Vidar reached up to stow the noose away while Vegard collected himself.

“Wait. Again.”

“No.”

“Just once more.”

“Vegard,” Vidar said and looked into the brown eyes. “I said it's enough.”

And that was that. Vegard thanked Vidar and left, disappearing into the night. Vidar closed up the shop and walked home. He really wished he could help the young man, but he didn't know what was tearing him up inside. Vidar just hoped he would work through whatever it was before it was too late.

*****

Bård was having a good day. He and his partner had taken their girls to the zoo and had pizza afterwards. Whenever Bård thought about what he might be missing out on by being a family man at such a young age, all he needed to do was remember days like these, when seeing the joy of his children was more precious than any perceived freedom could ever be. He had made the choice and once again he was reminded how right that choice had been.

Bård was still on crutches but his leg had improved greatly. In fact, he would only have to tolerate the cast for a couple of weeks and then he'd be rid of it. Not a moment too soon. Although Bård wasn't in a lot of pain anymore, he was slow and clumsy and the itching was driving him crazy. He made sure to hide that from Vegard though.

Bård had never stopped inviting his brother over for another visit and finally Vegard said 'thank you' and 'I'll be over in half an hour' like a normal person. They seemed to be doing better. Bård still felt the strange distance, but it seemed like Vegard was starting to get over the guilt he had been consumed by ever since the accident. They had talked, even if not of things that mattered, but it was the beginning of the return to normalcy.

Bård did notice that there was some lingering awkwardness still. Vegard didn't fully relax at any point of the evening. He kept sitting at the very edge of the sofa, not leaning against the back rest and slouching properly like Bård did. He also kept asking if Bård was sure he was alright or if he wanted something. At first Bård had enjoyed it and had had Vegard run to the kitchen to get him more drinks, but before long it started to irritate him.

Bård may have ended up snapping at Vegard after yet another query about his health. He had told Vegard to just shut up and stop asking. That had been a mistake. Vegard had certainly shut up. He barely said two words for the rest of the evening. Eventually he left and Bård was feeling like an utter asshole.

*****

Vegard was having a bad day. He had visited Bård the previous evening and it had been less horrible than he had expected. Of course, then Bård had told him to shut up and Vegard knew that he had seen a glimpse of what Bård really thought about him. That one slip of the mask of congeniality. Vegard had left soon after and he had ran straight to Big Boy. The man had almost refused him and Vegard didn't know what he would've done if he had. But luckily Vidar had relented and tried something new with Vegard. The panic had been very real at having his airways restricted. Vegard could only imagine that Bård must've felt something similar when the accident happened. Knowing that you could die, that you were on your way to dying, the feeling was indescribable. Vegard thought he had come a little bit closer to understanding just how much agony he had caused his brother. What Vidar had done to him before, that was good, that was painful, but this had been on an entirely different level. This was real.

After Vegard left Big Boy's establishment, he returned home and spent the rest of the night sitting on the floor of his dark apartment, leaning his aching back hard against a wall. Vegard had felt minutely better after the visit but the feeling was already fading. Bård hated him and had every right to do so. Nothing Vegard did could ever change the fact. Vegard buried his face in his hands and fought the tears. He had no right to cry. The act would bring him momentary relief and he simply did not deserve such.

Malvin and Geir kept staring at their master and occasionally rubbing their sides against him but Vegard ignored them. He felt like he had no love left in him to give. He didn't even deserve the companionship of his pets. Vegard kept pushing his back against the wall, feeling the burning agony of the marred skin coming to contact with the unyielding concrete. The only time he got up that night was to fill his cats' food and water bowls.

When Vegard woke up late on the following morning, he was still on the floor. He had thought he'd be awake all night, but he must've fallen asleep at some point. Not that it mattered. Nothing mattered. Vegard had nearly killed his brother and now it was over between them. There was just no way that Bård could ever forgive him and the sooner Vegard learned to accept that, the sooner the pain would hopefully end.

Vegard wrapped his arms around himself. He was cold and stiff. His knees were aching and his back was burning. His throat was also sore from the strangling of the previous night. That had been good. He had felt the utter horror of dying. If he could only feel even half of what Bård must've suffered, maybe the guilt would lessen.

Vegard never doubted his logic. He liked to think that he had a rational mind. If he looked at a situation from an objective angle and reached a conclusion, he considered it a sound one. He had nearly caused his brother to die. He had caused his brother to suffer greatly. Logic dictated that Vegard had to suffer in repentance. It was only fair. But if that was true, then why was he still feeling so horrible about what he had done? Why had the guilt not lessened at all?

*****

After he had been having sessions for a full month with Vegard, Vidar received an invitation to a sex faire in Stockholm. He was very excited for the opportunity. It was on very short notice as someone had cancelled and their booth needed filling. Not many could participate with only two days to prepare, but Vidar was up to the challenge. He knew his hair salon and gay porn basement were something rather exceptional in Oslo and that he received quite a few tourists from Sweden each year. So he packed up his car and drove to Stockholm at full speed to lure in even more.

The faire was a great success. Vidar had many curious people stopping by his booth, even if it was only very minimally decorated to draw attention. He handed out his business cards and put on his best charm. He knew only a small fraction of the people would actually ever come to his shop, but if even some of them came, his business would be nicely spiced up.

Pleased with all the new connections he had made and all the potential customers he may have lured in, Vidar took one night off to go drinking and to check out the night life in Stockholm. Vidar ended up partying for two nights and he finally crawled back home much later than intended. But he had had a very good mini holiday and he returned to Oslo with fully charged batteries.

As he neared the familiar streets of his neighbourhood, Vidar gave a thought to Vegard. He wondered how the young man had fared in the days when Vidar had been gone. Well, it wasn't Vidar's problem really, but he couldn't help but think about the man's tortured eyes. There was so much pain plainly visible in his being. Hopefully he hadn't done anything stupid while his usual method of punishment was unavailable.

*****

Two days after Vidar returned from Sweden, he heard a familiar voice greet him. Vidar was doing paperwork at the counter and he looked up to see Vegard. The young man looked bad: worn and dispirited. Vidar refused to feel guilty about it, though. He had informed Vegard about his trip and made him promise to wait for him.

“The usual?” Vidar asked.

“How about the noose?” Vegard suggested.

Vidar nodded and they moved to the basement. He waited for Vegard to take his shirt off, but the young man kept it on. Vidar was already slipping the noose over Vegard's head when he felt that something was off. Vidar let the noose hang around Vegard's neck without pulling it tight.

“You sure about this?” Vidar asked.

“Yeah,” Vegard answered. He sounded very quiet and distant. Vidar told he would keep the noose tight for one minute and pulled on the string.

Vegard lasted fifteen seconds. After that he went down on his knees and desperately tried to draw in a breath. Vidar immediately let go. Vegard coughed and gasped.

“What have you done?” Vidar asked sternly.

“Nothing,” Vegard said when he had his breathing under control again.

“Now listen, it's nothing to me what you do with your life. Kill yourself if that's the only way out that you see, it's your choice. But if you drag me into this, I deserve to know the truth. You can either tell me what you have done, or you can leave now and never return.”

For a moment, it looked like Vegard might take the second option. He stood up and looked at the staircase. Vidar waited patiently. He had seen so many good men spiral ever downwards and end up taking their own lives when they simply couldn't cope with the pressure of their lives anymore. He wished that this one wouldn't be beyond salvation.

Vidar knew all about being different than everyone else around him. But he had fought it. He had built his own place, hidden in a basement but inside the hegemony. It was his niche and he had gladly invited others to share it with him. Sometimes he could save the lost souls that came to him, begging for help. But sometimes there was nothing he could do. The will to fight had to come from within.

Vegard didn't say anything. Instead, he unbuttoned his black shirt. Vidar watched with growing horror as Vegard peeled the garment off. His back was a mess. Vidar stepped closer. There were several lacerations and puncture wounds spread evenly. The skin around the wounds was an angry red and the cuts were wet with a yellowish fluid.

“You went to someone else,” Vidar said, not reprimanding, but disappointed. Vegard nodded.

“What did they use?” Vidar asked as he leaned closer to examine the wounds, ignoring the foul smell. The lacerations could be the product of whipping but he had no idea what had made the punctures.

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not. You are aware that these are infected, right?”

Vegard shrugged. Either he didn't know or he didn't care. Vidar sighed.

“We're done. You're either getting these treated or you die. Simple as that.”

Vidar studied the young man in front of him. Vegard's shoulders were hunched and he kept his eyes fixed on the staircase leading out of the basement. If his harsh words hadn't penetrated through whatever was destroying him, Vidar didn't know what would. But it was out of his hands now. He couldn't get attached to those who sought his help. Everyone was ultimately on their own and Vidar could only offer Big Boy's services, nothing more. Sometimes he wished he could.

*****

Bård's phone rang late at night. He was watching TV alone, everyone else having gone to bed already. He answered quickly, not wanting to wake up the entire house.

“Hello,” Bård said.

“Did you get that cast off yet?”

It was Vegard and he sounded odd but Bård couldn't specify how.

“No, that's not until next week.”

“Ok.”

There was a short silence. Bård lifted his eyebrows.

“Vegard?”

“Yeah?”

“Is that why you called me?” _You're seriously scaring me here._

“Well no. But it doesn't matter.”

“Just talk to me. Come on over.” _Don't shut me out._

“Maybe later.”

“Vegard, wait. You called me for a reason. Just tell me what's happening.”

“It's not important.”

“But I want to know.”

Another silence, this one stretching for longer. Bård waited patiently. Something was definitely wrong.

“Why did I call you?” Vegard suddenly asked.

“Pardon?”

“That night.”

“Can you be a bit more specific, Vegard?”

“You know which fucking night I mean!”

Vegard sounded almost hysterical and Bård stood up, trying to grab a crutch while still holding the phone to his ear.

“Calm down. You didn't call me. Kristian did.”

“Don't lie. I saw the call in my phone.”

“Yeah, Kristian used your phone. I think he used your ICE number, which just happens to be me.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Now what's this about, really?”

Bård was hobbling towards their bedroom. He had a horrible feeling, almost an intuition.

“It's nothing.”

Bård sighed. He opened the door and reached to shake his partner awake.

“I'm coming over. Don't do anything stupid.”

“What would I do?”

“I honestly don't know anymore. Vegard, just wait for me. Okay?”

Bård's partner rubbed the sleep from her eyes and looked up to him in alarm.

“Okay?” Bård repeated to the phone.

“Okay.”

_Just hang in there, I'm coming._


	2. Chapter 2

Bård was sitting in the passenger's seat and watching the lights swirl past. He thought he would've been uncomfortable in a car at night, but he felt nothing.

Bård had assumed that his brother had let go of the guilt he had been wallowing in since the accident. He knew that Vegard thought Bård was suffering greatly because of him. This simply wasn't true. If Bård had to describe his state at the moment, he would say he was merely inconvenienced. Nothing worse than that. Apparently he hadn't even been traumatised enough to be afraid of driving in the dark. How could Vegard take it so badly, Bård didn't know.

The drive was swift and blissfully uneventful. Bård's partner parked the car and said she'd wait there unless Bård called her to come in. She had carried both girls to the back seat and they were sleeping there happily, completely unaware that they weren't in their beds. Bård kissed his partner, collected his crutches and entered the building. Vegard lived on the third floor of an apartment complex, but luckily there was an elevator. Bård had some trouble with the heavy doors but nothing his stubbornness couldn't overcome. Within minutes, he was behind Vegard's door.

Bård knocked and waited. Vegard took his time but eventually he opened. Bård couldn't hold back a gasp. Vegard looked almost scary with his hair a matted mess, his face pale and dark smudges under his eyes. He appeared completely worn down and ill.

“Are you hurting?” Vegard immediately asked, responding to Bård's reaction. “Come sit down.”

Bård couldn't say anything. He followed mutely and deposited himself on Vegard's sofa. A sleek dark brown cat jumped into his lap and he automatically started petting it.

“Vegard... what happened?” Bård finally managed.

Vegard was standing near the window, partially hidden by shadows. Even so, Bård could see that he was swaying slightly on his feet.

“Vegard?”

“Nothing.”

“You lie to my face? I find that a little bit hurtful,” Bård said and petted the cat almost aggressively.

“I nearly killed you.”

“What?” Bård's hand stopped its motion.

“This is my fault.”

“No. Come on, it was an accident. You obviously didn't mean for us to crash.”

“But what if I did?”

“What? Of course you didn't! What the hell is this talk?”

“Maybe I meant it. What if I truly meant it?”

“You were drunk off your ass. You didn't know what was happening.”

“That's no excuse. Perhaps it made me more honest.”

“Okay, you're seriously scaring me here. What are you talking about, Vegard?”

“What if I really wanted to kill you? What if... what if there was... like... a reason.”

Bård stood up, a little bit awkwardly, wanting to see his brother's eyes.

“Do you mean like... sometimes you might get maybe jealous of me? Of my family?” Bård said very carefully. He couldn't believe they were having such a conversation. They had never talked about it, but Bård had picked up on off-handed comments Vegard sometimes made that gave him reason to believe that certain feelings were swimming under Vegard's usually placid surface.

“I don't know.”

“Well if you don't consciously even know, then how could you possibly want to do something like that subconsciously? Do you even realise how illogical you sound?”

“Still, I did it. You told me yourself. It was my fault.”

“That accident was not your fault. Yes, you shoved me. But there was nothing malicious in it. You were just drunk and jovial. That is all.”

“The motive doesn't even matter.”

“Of course it does! And I'm telling you, it was an accident.”

A small nagging doubt was building in Bård's mind. Vegard had been angry. Bård hadn't been able to make out what he was ranting about, but he simply couldn't believe that his brother could have that much rage pent up inside him. They had their arguments and brotherly competitions at times, just like all siblings did. But it was impossible that they could ever want to hurt each other on purpose.

“It was an accident. How can I get through to that thick skull of yours?”

Bård looked at his brother. Standing in front of him, he could stare right into the brown eyes.

“I should've died.”

“Do _not_ say things like that! What the hell Vegard, what's wrong with you?”

Vegard kept silent. He only looked at his brother, hiding his eyes under a flock of hair that had fallen down on his forehead.

“Yes, the accident was scary and nasty, but don't you think you're overreacting?”

Bård realised he had said the exact wrong thing at the very second the words left his mouth.

“You're right. I'm an idiot. You should go now.”

“No, Vegard, I didn't mean that.”

“Yes you did.”

“Well... maybe I did! But come on, I wasn't seriously injured. I was nowhere near dying. So why are you taking this so hard?”

“You should just go.”

“Can't you just talk for once? Just tell me what you're feeling.”

Bård put his hand on Vegard's shoulder. He could feel how stiff his brother was. Bård wanted to be soothing and he gently caressed Vegard's back. If his words couldn't get through, maybe physical touch would give a clearer message. What Bård didn't expect was Vegard audibly gasping in pain and needing to take support from the wall when his knees threatened to buckle.

“Vegard, what?”

“You need to leave now.”

“I'm not going to leave! What's wrong with you?”

“Nothing's wrong. Just go. We can talk tomorrow.”

Bård hesitated for a long moment. He knew that he had failed. Vegard would not say more and Bård was tired. He just wanted go home. But at the same time, he felt that if he walked out now, he would be closing that door forever.

“Okay. I'll go. We're both tired and we're not making any progress. But come over to my place tomorrow. We can have dinner and talk. Just... take care of yourself. Okay?”

Vegard nodded mutely and walked Bård to the door. Bård stopped for a moment and turned around. Vegard looked absolutely exhausted.

“Get some sleep and we'll talk tomorrow. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Bård stepped through the door and heard Vegard close it behind him.

*****

Bård was anxious on the following day. He kept staring at the clock and holding his phone in his hand. They hadn't agreed on a specific time and Bård was increasingly restless as the afternoon wore on. He shouldn't have left. He should've insisted on finding out what was wrong with his brother. The way he had been talking, the way he reacted to Bård's touch... Bård really shouldn't have left things as he had. Even his partner had questioned his choice on the drive back home after Bård told her about the strange conversation. Bård had almost asked her to turn around but let it go. Maybe Vegard mainly needed time to sort things out by himself.

Evening was approaching and Bård kept choosing Vegard's number from the list in his phone but he didn't press call. He knew he had handled the previous night poorly. He had been going through the exchange in his head a million times. He had been too accusing. He hadn't listened. He had done everything wrong. Bård was working himself up into a frenzy. When the sun went down, he couldn't wait any longer. He called Vegard several times but there was no answer.

“We're going to Vegard's!” Bård declared when he couldn't contain it anymore. His partner reminded him that the girls hadn't gone to bed yet and it would be unwise to take them along. In the end, Bård decided to take a taxi.

It wasn't long until Bård was standing behind Vegard's door again. His frantic mind had created all kinds of horror scenarios and he couldn't believe he had waited so long. His brother had desperately needed him and he had done nothing.

Bård kept knocking until his knuckles hurt. He didn't hear anything from inside the apartment. Bård felt his heart hammer his chest.

“Vegard! Open up!”

Nothing.

“VEGARD!”

Spare keys. In a moment of inspiration, Bård remembered that he had his brother's spare keys attached to his keyring. For emergencies.

Bård tore the door open and was assaulted by cats. The shaggy orange creature and the sleek brown beast ran out to the hallway but Bård didn't pay them any attention. He limped into the apartment and looked around. It was dark and it took Bård a moment to see a frighteningly familiar shape on the floor. Bård spent one precious second reaching for the light switch.

“Fuck! Vegard!”

Bård clumsily knelt down next to his brother. Vegard was sitting on the floor, leaning his back against a wall. Bård carefully tilted his head to see the face. He nearly cried in relief when he felt the heat of his skin and saw the colour on his cheeks.

“Fuck Vegard, what are you doing? Why is this happening?”

Bård shook his brother. It took a moment but finally Vegard blinked his eyes open.

“What are you doing here?” Vegard whispered.

“Me?! What am _I_ doing? You're passed out on the floor and you ask me what I'm doing!”

Bård stood up. He wanted to pace furiously around the apartment. He had to satisfy himself with standing purposefully.

“What happened to you?”

“Nothing.”

“How about you stand up and tell me that?”

Vegard took the bait. Only, he couldn't quite make it off the floor. He desperately tried to push himself on his feet, taking support from the wall. Bård couldn't watch any longer.

“Just sit down. I'm calling an ambulance.”

“No!”

“Then what do you suggest we do?”

“Just leave me alone.”

“Give me one good reason to.”

“That's stupid.”

Bård kept silent and only looked at his brother. The silence stretched. Bård sat down on the sofa, never taking his eyes off his brother.

“You know why,” Vegard finally said.

“I really don't though,” Bård replied.

“Why do you pretend to care?”

Bård almost snapped back, saying how offended he was at the accusation. But he stopped himself. He would not repeat his mistakes. This time he would listen.

“I nearly killed you.”

Again, words of denial were on Bård's lips but he swallowed them.

“How could you ever want me to live after the suffering I caused you? There is no forgiving what I did.”

Bård closed his eyes and bit his lips together.

“I had to feel it too.”

Bård opened his eyes.

“It's only fair. I did it to you, I get it done to me. I now know what it's like to be on the edge of dying.”

“And does it make you feel better?” Bård couldn't help the question from escaping his lips.

“Not really.”

They were silent for a moment. Bård thought about what Vegard had said.

“You know, there's one thing you haven't even tried.”

“What's that?” Vegard asked with so much hope in his voice that Bård nearly broke down. He could almost feel his brother's yearning for a solution to the impossible situation he felt himself to be in.

“You never asked me if I forgive you.”

Vegard was looking at his brother with his mouth slightly open. It had clearly never even occurred to him.

“It doesn't matter. I know the answer already,” Vegard finally said, turning his head away.

“Try it anyway.”

Another silence. Bård really thought Vegard wouldn't do it. He almost said something but instead squeezed his hands into fists and forced himself to wait.

“Do you... can you forgive me?” Vegard finally asked, keeping his eyes fixed on the floor.

Bård stood up clumsily and limped over to his brother. He sat down next to Vegard.

“Of course I do.”

That was the breaking point for Vegard. Those simple words that held in them a world of meaning. He started crying. The sobs were almost violent, seeming to be pulled out of him against his will. Bård wrapped his arms around his brother and held him. Vegard flinched hard when Bård's hands touched his back but Bård squeezed him tight anyway. Vegard turned enough to put his arms around Bård and he clung to him as if his life depended on it.

Maybe it did.

*****

Bård didn't know how much later it was when he became conscious of the silence. Vegard had quieted down and was simply leaning against his brother now. Bård thought Vegard felt warmer than he should. Bård could tell that Vegard had been neglecting himself but he was starting to understand that there was something else going on as well. Vegard's words haunted him.

_I had to feel it too._

_I did it to you, I get it done to me._

Bård had a horrible suspicion but he quenched it. It simply was not possible that Vegard would be harming himself. Right?

“Hey Vegard,” Bård said and nudged his brother. Apparently Vegard had exhausted himself crying since he had managed to fall asleep against his brother's side.

“It was real?” Vegard asked, staring at Bård in awe. The brown eyes seemed huge and somehow darker than normal.

“Yeah it was. I'm here and we're okay. We will always be okay.”

“But -”

“No buts. But do tell me something: what did you mean by having to feel it? Did you do something?”

“Ah, no, it seems so stupid now.”

Bård could tell that Vegard was lying. He was raising the walls and shutting Bård outside.

“Even so, tell me.”

“It's nothing. You don't have to worry about it.”

“Vegard.”

“It really is okay.”

The smile seemed so genuine and the voice so upbeat. Bård really wanted to believe in them.

“ _Vegard_.” Bård used the voice that meant he was serious. The voice he used when they went too far. The code they had for cutting through the bullshit and telling the truth.

“It's none of your business,” Vegard finally said in matching tone and Bård felt the chasm between them open up wider than ever.

“Will you be okay?” Bård asked, hoping to convey everything he felt in that one question.

“I'll be okay,” Vegard said and this time Bård believed him.

*****

It felt strange to Vegard. After having felt nothing but pain for so long, the touch on his back was gentle. It still hurt like hell, but he knew that the wounds were being cleaned and treated. He had had to talk himself into going. Even then, he had hesitated for a long while before showing his back to anyone. Only after the nurse had threatened to kick him out unless he said what he needed did he relent. She had told him what needed to be done and directed him to a doctor who could prescribe him antibiotics. It was all very fast and efficient and Vegard felt like an intruder in the situation.

Vegard still felt like running away. He hadn't suddenly been absolved of his crimes. He knew he had to atone. But maybe the way he had been going about it was wrong. Talking to Bård hadn't magically made everything alright. But it had made Vegard see one flaw in his repentance: he hadn't consulted the victim. He had shut himself off from everyone and refused real contact. He had almost thrown away everything he had.

“I'm done here. You can put your shirt on and go home. Remember to go by the pharmacy and take the first pills right away. The pharmacy will talk to you about side effects and possible medication to help with stomach issues if you usually get them from antibiotics.”

Vegard thanked the nurse and carefully put his shirt on. It was a bit precarious but he managed. He should probably go talk to Vidar. The man had been endlessly kind and Vegard felt ashamed of how much he had asked for without giving anything in return. He had so much to rectify. He should also apologise to their parents, he had shut them out completely and probably caused them to worry. But Bård would come first.

*****

Bård was lounging on his sofa. He was finally rid of the cast and carefully getting his leg back to full strength. The limb seemed like a pale, weak, pathetic creature. Somehow, maybe a little bit unfairly, Bård compared his leg to his brother. Both had shattered and been in a dark place for a while. But now everything was out in the open and fixed. But a repaired vessel could never be as strong as a whole one. Bård felt like he needed to be careful around his brother now and he hated the thought. They were family. There should be no walls between them.

_But there were_ , Bård mused. Something had changed irrevocably that night. Bård said it was an accident, but that was of course only half of the truth. Sometimes Bård did wonder about the event. Had there been malicious intent? Vegard certainly seemed to think so. Bård wasn't really fully convinced either way. He rather wanted to just forget the whole episode and hide it into the past. Forgiving Vegard had been the first step.

Bård hadn't hesitated for one moment when Vegard asked him. Of course he forgave him. There was nothing else to do when your brother was so clearly suffering. But deep down somewhere, Bård did feel slightly differently towards Vegard. After all, he had shoved Bård when he was in control of a vehicle. But was it deliberate? Bård didn't know. While it was true that Vegard had been greatly inebriated, had his actions been the consequence of not understanding where he was... or having all his inhibitions lowered?

Bård wished he would've listened to what Vegard had been ranting about that night. He should've at least tried to understand, maybe even stop the car and ask him if he was quite alright. But Bård had done nothing. He had just wanted to complete his task: make sure his brother was safe and return home. Was his inability to pay enough attention to his brother the true culprit here?

Bård shook his head before his mind completely escaped. He would not start with the what ifs. He would not take the guilt. Vegard had shouldered enough for the both of them. Sometimes Bård thought that Vegard was overreacting. If Bård had been in his stead, he liked to think that he wouldn't have shattered under the burden of guilt. The thought was traitorous and hurtful.

Bård made a conscious effort of understanding his brother better. Bård wondered why the accident had become such a huge matter for Vegard. Bård had mostly shaken it off already. Sure, he had been injured and a little bit upset for a while, but it had faded fast. With the cast now gone and his leg healing, the whole incident was mainly a bad memory already. Bård was simply unable to understand how one drunken mistake could almost destroy his brother.

Bård first tried approaching the matter by trying to reverse their roles. What if he had been the one to cause the accident? However, Bård soon realised that his approach was faulty. Even with the roles reversed, the situation would not be directly comparable.

The brothers' lives had followed incredibly similar paths from childhood to professional life. But there were crucial differences. Bård had started a family and flourished as a father. Vegard lived alone. And it was precisely their relationship to each other that was not symmetrical. Thus the way for Bård to understand his brother was not to imagine himself causing the accident, but by replacing Vegard in the scenario with his children.

Bård had to stop for a moment. The thought that he could crash with his children in the car, especially if it would be the result of a mistake made by him had crossed his mind before. He and his partner had invested in proper child safety seats but he knew it was a false sense of security. There could come a point where nothing would help if the speeds and the strengths were too much. Vegard had once excitedly explained how at certain velocities and masses a car collision could be more devastating than a small aircraft crash but Bård had happily ignored him. A traitorous voice in Bård's mind wanted to point out that it seemed to be a trend with him, ignoring his brother. He silenced the voice.

Bård finally started to see the true impact of that night on his brother. For Bård, his children were the most important people, no competition. His partner came close, but even that overpowering love could not surpass what he felt for the two girls. And that was the key. Bård had his family, but what did Vegard have? And suddenly it was so obvious that Bård felt ashamed of himself for not seeing it sooner. Vegard had him. Bård was the most important person to Vegard. Of course it would shatter his world to hurt the one he cared the most about.

*****

Vidar heard the door open and he looked up. He was cutting a middle aged woman's hair and talking about the basement. Her fascination was endless and she kept having her hair cut shorter and shorter because of her frequent visits. Maybe one day she would gather the courage to ask to see the basement, maybe even buy some pornographic material.

“Hey,” a familiar voice said. Vidar stepped away from his current customer and went to greet Vegard.

“Hey. Time for a haircut?” Vidar asked and opened his calendar. Vegard looked slightly insecure but then he spotted the woman in the chair.

“Ah no. I actually wanted to come and thank you for the... haircuts you've been giving me. I... I actually decided to grow my hair, so I won't need your... services anymore. I just really wanted to thank you for caring. For my hair, that is.”

Vidar felt warmth spread in him. Now that he looked, he saw it: the darkness had lifted. This one would be saved. There was hope still.

“I'm very glad to hear that. I admire your strength. Not everyone can leave the... haircuts behind and move on. I truly wish you all the best.”

Vidar reached his hand out for a shake. Vegard took it, hesitated for a moment and then opened his arms for a hug. Vidar stepped near him and wrapped his arms around the smaller man, making sure not to touch his back. They parted, said goodbyes and Vegard left. Although he would miss Big Boy and his kindness, this was a door he happily closed.


End file.
